Breakups are an inevitable part of life. If you have had your heart broken or broken a few hearts you know that it sucks. For some reason, we don’t talk about breakups with friends. I stumbled upon an article in Vogue UK – Why Are More And More Close Friends Ghosting Each Other? I thought about my own friendships both new and old. I could think of many reasons why we aren’t friends anymore when I thought about friends I no longer speak to. As painful as it is at the time when you look at the big picture you realize just like a relationship with a lover, not all friendships are meant to last forever.
I am not a fan of ghosting. I think it’s better to tell someone you have decided to move on. The pain of losing you is inevitable but the endless confusion that comes with ghosting can be quite excruciating. My advice, have the parting conversation. Let them know that you want to take a step back from this relationship; friendship. You have your reasons and to be honest you shouldn’t list them all. If you have reached this point, the list is long isn’t it? The exact reasons won’t matter to the person on the receiving end who in their minds believe that they have been a “good friend to you”.
That’s the thing about relationships, we never see each other the same way. It takes a lot of self-work and self-awareness to see yourself in relation to other people and your impact energetically on them. I have experienced many unaware energy vampires in my life. They generally are unaware and have a hard time confronting this truth.
We Don’t Have Anything In Common
Now, this is probably one of the biggest reasons why your friend may have disappeared from your life. When you were young the pressures of high school fooled you into believing that you need to pretend in order to fit in. The desire to be liked plagued you. You understood that you needed to pick a crowd and conform. During this time some of the friendships weren’t built on being authentic to yourself but going with the crowd. In this short period in your life, you fought with the true you and the constructed you.
You are now out in the world, a giant high school but this time you can truly set your own path. You can either run free alone or find your tribe. Surrounding yourself with people who have common interests and goals will top your list when forging new connections. This is the time when you recognize the value of time, therefore, spending it with people that take you back to that time in high school isn’t something you will want to do. The conversations that you once enjoyed with certain friends no longer fulfil you. I can speak for you when I say that you are on a quest for complete fulfillment and boundless joy. Unfortunately, some friendships don’t provide you with a gateway to enter into joy or remain joyful.
It’s integral for you, to find ways to sustain that joy within you so it can continuously manifest in your life. If moving on from friendships is in order, then do it. This is your life.
The One-Sided Friendship
It’s time for you to start paying attention to the dynamics in your relationships. Do you give as much as you take? Do you take more than you give? I am not talking about gifts or money. I am talking about energy. How do people feel after they have spent time with you or had a conversation with you? It’s okay to be selfish when it comes to self-care, how you spend your personal time, the way you commit to your goals but it isn’t when it comes to interactions with the people in your life. People can serve you, mentally, emotionally and spiritually but they are not obligated to be of service to YOU exclusively; this is your job.
Nobody wants to be in a one-sided relationship. If it’s unacceptable from a lover then why do you think it’s acceptable in friendship? It’s not. Co-dependancy in friendship fosters a very toxic energy for both people. Are you in a toxic co-dependent friendship? Free yourself.
You’re Not Their Therapist
I know I dish out life lessons and tips on this site but let me tell you…If you are friends with me I am not your 24-hour therapist. Just like your friend that you constantly call when things aren’t going well for you or when you want to complain. Most likely the friend that you don’t see as anything beyond your emotional support and cheerleader. Guess what, they have dreams too, that are just for them, no not for you. Stop asking them to give their dreams away to you either. Stop saying they should think of you first before they think of themselves. That they should give their hopes and wishes away to you because all of a sudden you want what’s theirs for you. This is why they aren’t friends with you anymore. You aren’t a good friend to them. You’re not!
The is a difference between being there for someone and taking advantage of someone. Yes, your friends are a support system but you need to balance the scales. It’s also not a competition. I had a friend once say “there is no way you are going to get married before me, that just won’t happen”. I remember thinking, wow who says that? A friend that I had been supportive of and truly always wished the best for. In the back of my mind, I knew they may have thought this way (because everything’s always about them first) but when I heard it out loud I knew this wasn’t a good friendship I had put myself in. I stayed friends with this person after this incident, looking back I realized I shouldn’t have. There were many other occasions where my desires and hopes would be met with pessimism and negativity. While I would pray for them they would do the opposite for me. Your desire to be there for people shouldn’t come at your expense.
Obviously, no one is perfect and I am sure there are some friends I don’t have in my life right now who felt that scales were not balanced. If anything, I am happy that they decided to move on and find their tribe, like-minded beings who can give them what they need. Just remember, your friends are a source of support and love but they are not your therapist. If this is something that you feel you need, get a good therapist ASAP.
You Can’t Put Yourself First
Is your friend self-involved? This is something that most people say when people decide to put themselves first. Oh, she’s self-centred…is she? Or one could say that this person is actually self-aware therefore they realize when a friendship has run its course. When a relationship is no longer fulfilling. You wouldn’t encourage your friend to stay in a toxic unfulfilling relationship? Then why would you want them to stay in a friendship like this if this is how they feel? Is this how you want people to feel about you? Do you want the people who spend time with you even though they view you this way? Probably not! Perhaps, you don’t see it now, but they did something for you too.
Some people know they are self-focused and this isn’t a bad thing. You have to fill your own cup before you can fill someone else’s cup. Further, you certainly don’t want to spend time with people who tip this cup over since the most important relationship you will ever have in his life is the one you have with yourself. Of course, your friends are important and the good ones will allow you to do the things necessary for you to find happiness even if you aren’t in their lives.
