The Five Most Essential Elements To Creating A Connection With Someone

I can’t keep up with my own heart some days. The heart is always moving, changing, reacting and interacting. One second it is fierce, vibrant, roaring. Another, it is hyper-vigilant, sensitive, and weary.  I want to share with you the five most essential elements to creating a connection with someone. I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me.

A few years back, my heart was so noisy I could barely hear anything else. It was as if my heart was screaming to be let loose. It demanded attention, an outlet for conveying what my mind couldn’t grasp.  I went through the motions of my day-to-day life, but my heart was numb.

Then someone hugged me. A simple act. But it was the kind of hug that says “you’re home,” “I have you,” “you’re right where you need to be,” “you belong here.” I broke down in bewildered, grateful, tired tears. A powerful surge of connection flowed between me and this other human being, unexpectedly met with each other’s genuine loving energy. 

It sounds a bit wishy-washy, reading it with my conceptual logical mind but the heart recognized it immediately. Despite how unpredictable, uncertain, confusing, or challenging love is, most of us want this time of connection. Our heart wants, what our heart wants.

Unlike the mind, which is designed to accommodate, focus on sustainability, and narrow its scope in order to make logical sense of our experience, the heart is bottomless and boundless. It always seeks connection. 

Our minds have some catching up to do. When our hearts and heads do become best friends, we connect more easily with others.  

If you find yourself keen on creating a connection with someone special, it starts in your own mind. Here are the five most essential elements within your control to creating a connection. 

 #1: Awaken your heart

If you’re like me, you’ve done your fair share of numbing your heart. There are a variety of ways we drown out, deny, or cover up our true feelings or needs. These days, it’s easy to slumber. The most important element of connectivity between two people is that one of their hearts is awake, actively processing energy and deliberately tuned in.

There are many activities, disciplines and habits that help us awaken our hearts. They almost all require two things: 1) discipline to slow down and 2) turning your attention inward. 

#2: Reveal your heart 

Once you awaken your heart, it can be hard to decipher its messages, especially those about romantic partnership! That’s when the mind’s wise clarification is essential. Revealing your heart’s code requires reflection. Take the time to answer the following questions. Let them sit for a day or two, and then return to them again. Edit out anything that doesn’t resonate deeply.   

1. What do I think romance is truly about? 
2. Where did I learn this? 
3. What’s an example of love that influences me today? 

These questions reveal your ideals in romantic love. These ideals powerfully, and often unconsciously, tap into your true needs in love. 

#3: Heal your heart

Ideals and mental frameworks can be automatically imposed upon you and unconsciously adopted. Healing your heart is about choosing yours. To do that, you must courageously ask yourself: 

1. How are my ideals and current beliefs about love inspiring me to be more of the person I truly am? 
2. How are they inhibiting me from being more of the person I truly am?

Some ideals need some tweaking in order to inspire you towards a connection that will satisfy your heart. We have all been hurt in love, often from others who did not know any better or were incapable of meeting our needs. When you do question your assumptions, become more curious about your beliefs, and edit your self-story, your heart naturally heals. Take the time, make the space, and put in the investment for this essential element. Find a professional to help you do so if you get stuck. The intention is for you to feel inspired rather than defeated. 

#4: Share from your heart

The word for courage can be translated into “speaking from the heart.” When you express something from the heart, it feels quite vulnerable. Sharing in this way does two things 1) it compels another person to also share whole-heartedly and 2) it can build trust. A statement similar to: “I am going to share something that is pretty important to me” clarifies your motivation. Does the reaction you receive motivate or discourage you from pursuing connection? Sharing from your heart is often the best way to know who’s a right fit for you right now.  

When you share with another human being who honors your heart, it breaks down our sense of guilt or inadequacy, and inspires us to be more of ourselves. You have a choice. 

#5: Empower your heart

A person who knows what he or she needs and behaves in ways that addresses them is incredibly sexy.  A key element of amazing connectivity involves taking responsibility for your own needs. After you figure out your true needs, focus on giving yourself permission to go after them. Somehow, it’s easier to encourage others to do this, but often when it comes to our romantic partners, it can be painful to experience them taking care of their needs rather than ours. Remember that what we look for from others is what our heart asks us to give to ourselves.  

Finally, one of the best ways to empower your heart is to give back and serve others. Not from a place of need, but from a place of fulfillment. When you embody and love from your own code, connecting with others flows. Empower your heart by caring for it, and then move your focus outward. 

Modern relationships that are energetically positive, fulfilling and secure require authentic expression of each person’s perspectives, hopes, fears, desires, and needs. Connectivity from your heart may not be easy, but focusing on these five elements will guarantee more love in your life. The work is worthy! 

Guest Contributor:

KRYSTAL WHITE, Ph.D., is a leadership psychologist with more than 15 years of experience working with individuals, organizations, and communities. She specializes in crafting relationally resilient, emotionally intelligent, results-driven leaders and teams, and is passionate about connecting others to their source of true power and inspiring them to find success and fulfillment by developing their innate leadership and relationship skills. She has served as a radio host, a podcaster, an educator, and a group fitness instructor and performance coach.

Dr. White holds a doctorate in clinical psychology, is a board certified child and adolescent psychologist, and has completed a medical fellowship at Madigan Army Medical Center in developmental pediatric psychology. She also holds a master’s degree in Christian Leadership from Fuller Theological Seminary, and a master’s degree in mind, brain, and education from Harvard University.

For more information, please visit www.thelettercode.com and www.drkrystalwhite.com or connect with Dr. White on Instagram and LinkedIn.

The Letter Code is available on Amazon, www.thelettercode.com, and wherever books are sold.