This is a post for all those seeking love. Or anyone who is done dating the wrong person and needs to do some serious personal reflection. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner after all. Rather than feeling sorry for yourself for either starting the new year single or dreading Valentine’s Day which is in three and a half weeks. Perhaps it’s time for you to focus more on what’s good for rather than who’s good for you. Once you know what’s good for you, you will begin to make better dating choices and finally meet someone who makes sense in every way. All the boyfriends you wish you never knew can be on your list of things to leave in the past.
Mr. I Just Can’t Commit To Anything
This dude is iconic…seriously! He can never commit to anything unless it benefits him (please feel free to reverse genders if needed). Do you want to make plans with him a week from now? Good luck! There is no such thing as long term planning when it comes to him. You generally hear from him either when his set plans are cancelled, so last minute or when he needs a little TLC. You know what I mean.
He has all the excuses in the book as to why you haven’t heard from him. His go-to excuse is normally “I’m busy”. He sure is, too busy for you. While you are doing your personal reflection, I want you to write this down “people make time for the things or people they want to make time for”. Don’t ever forget this. Yes, sure people get busy, but if you like someone and you’re interested in them romantically you don’t treat them as the last option when you have nothing else to do. I know what you are thinking…but? No, don’t think of all the reasons why you haven’t heard from him. One reason, he probably doesn’t care that much.
Three’s Company
You think you’re the only one but your perfect someone likes to keep a few “friends” on the go. You rationalize this because you’ve got friends too. You think of his friends like yours but start to realize these aren’t friends they have known for years or even people they know through work. In his case, he’s always making new “friends”. Friends that you will never meet or don’t even know you exist. If you are just dating there isn’t much you can do about it but this is a red flag and something to deal with before you get too serious.
There is nothing wrong with connecting with new people. No one wants to hang out with the same 5 people all of the time. Keeping your friend circle small is great but at the same time, it limits your growth. In his case, I doubt he’s accumulating all these new ‘friends’ for personal growth. He wants to keep his options open, have a little fun and to be honest he’s just not all that sure about you. You want to be with someone who chooses you. Someone that is willing to take a risk and see where it goes.
The Narcissit Gaslighter
Honestly, if you encounter him and figure it out sooner than later, run! Just know it’s not your fault, it truly is them. This kind of person is like this to every unlucky being they get the pleasure to manipulate. Don’t try to waste your time trying to save them either. Individuals like this know what they are doing and get pleasure out of knowing that they have you under their narcissistic spell. They also are the master of making you think things are your fault or that something they said or did never happened. It’s just your imagination playing tricks on you. This is a classic gaslighter.
Are you feeling confused? Unsure? This is how you will always feel when you are dating or in a relationship with someone like this. They sure do know how to sweep you off your feet and then drop you on your ass and then pick you up right before you get a clue. It’s the game they love to play. Every time you take them back you feed their need to be wanted and in control. You, on the other hand, lose your self-worth and self-esteem. This is NOT LOVE. Love is never supposed to feel like shit or make you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore.
Love is passionate, it’s carefree, open and yes it’s a little wild in a good way. But love, love shouldn’t make you sick.
An Opinion About Everything
Now obviously this can apply to everyone. I love dating someone who can teach me something new. I think it’s important to surround yourself with people who push you to become your best self. People that help you grow. I am not a fan of the overly opinionated partner who has a lot to say about what you are doing, your life goals, while they are doing nothing or know nothing about your industry. They also tend to have an opinion about all your friends and whether they are good enough or jealous of you. Their main goal is to make sure the only friend you have
When he’s not trying to squash your dreams. He turns his attention to your appearance. He thinks he deserves the last opinion when it comes to what you wear or if and when you cut your hair. He loves to look for and point out any imperfections that really aren’t a big deal. Remember, this is his thing. He needs to make you feel like he’s the only man in the world who accepts you for you. He’s full of shit.
What You NEED
You don’t just want a partner who “cares” about you. You want someone who believes in you and wants to see you actualize your dreams. If they can help they will. Rather than telling you what you can’t do they brainstorm ideas with you on what you can or should do. They support you even if they don’t get it. Seeing you succeed truly makes them happy. More importantly, they want to be by your side while you’re working towards your goal to cheer you on and stand proudly beside you when you make it happen. The right person is not threatened by what you can be but inspired, so they too can be the best they can be.
The Lesson You Needed
Maybe the boyfriend/lover you never needed was in fact in your life to teach you a few life lessons. I know, I agree with you, some lessons you can live without. Just remember, our decisions belong to us, so we must learn from and embrace the outcome. You need to know that love, as much as it’s a feeling, it’s a choice. We may not choose how we feel about someone, but we can decide whether or not to keep them in our lives. It’s okay to love someone from afar. Love can also be an illusion you create or something real. Does the way you feel and think about this person match up with reality?
It’s easy to create a perfect relationship in your mind. It also quite easy to make someone more than what they are to you. You inflate the truth about who they are as much as you do the reality you prefer to live in; even if it hurts. Eventually, this gets old, dating the person who just isn’t right for you. Relationships require effort but they shouldn’t leave you emotionally exhausted, anxious or depressed.
The biggest lesson, I hope you have learned, is to trust your gut. There is always that little something that tells you something isn’t quite right. Don’t ignore it. Some people aren’t worth knowing, I know that’s harsh…but then think of the boyfriends you wish you never knew.
