We learned a lot of life lessons from the ladies of Sex and the City and we certainly dispelled a few myths. We appreciate what we have learned from Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda but now it’s time for us to turn our attention to Issa Rae’s HBO hit series Insecure. In this life lessons series, I will dive into a few life lessons that can apply to you. If you have been watching this series I am sure you can relate to the situations that each character experiences. Today’s Insecure life lessons: What To Do When Your Friendship Changes?
Just like with the Sex and the City series I won’t spoil any episodes for you. Don’t worry. I will skip the major details. So you will have to watch it to see what I am referencing! I feel like this show is the show that many women of colour have been waiting for. We had GIRLS and SATC, we loved them. Now we have Insecure and to be honest, we can’t get enough. Whatever your ethnicity may be, you will instantly feel connected to the life lessons in Insecure. Everyone is a little bit of Issa, Molly, Tiffany and Kelly (not everyone I hope!). It depends on which episode you watch but you love them and can’t stand them equally.
When Friendships Change
It’s season four, Issa and Molly have hit a rough patch in their friendship. This is something everyone can relate to. As life changes, you change and this can impact your friendships. What once brought you together is what now draws you apart. It’s not something that happens overnight and many of us don’t recognize that our friendship is falling apart until it reaches the boiling point. Where too much has or hasn’t been said and not enough has been done. Many years of needs unmet, lack of support and resentment.
The truth of the matter is, most people won’t admit, that we love our friends as much as we dislike them. The issue arises when the dislike outweighs love. There will be a time when you can’t just tolerate behaviour you once accepted. When just enough won’t be enough because in order for this friendship to progress you require more. In some cases, it requires more than you are willing to give at this point in your life. Perhaps in your case, you feel you have given too much and received very little.
Whoever said that there is no reciprocity in friendships lied. Just like love relationships there is a give and take. Are you taking more than you are giving? If you notice that there has been a shift in your friendship have you taken the steps to change this? Do you care enough? This requires a lot of insight and self-reflection. Maybe you don’t give a shit and you’re hoping this friendships winds down like some of your relationships where you drift apart until you aren’t speaking. If you do give a shit, it’s time for you to see yourself in relation to your friends. Is it all about you? It is them in your world or are you equally cohabiting in a friendship where there is balance and more importantly respect.
When It’s Time To Have The Talk
If you aren’t living in Issa’s world then who’s world are you living in?! (Issa’s daily thoughts) This is probably how Molly currently feels about their friendship. We see where she is coming from and to be honest, maybe it’s Molly’s fault. Sometimes we unconsciously take on a roll in a relationship that in the long run becomes burdensome or unfulfilling. It’s great to be there for your friends, be the one to save the day. But who’s saving you when you are in need? Are the scales balanced? Remember we create the relationships we are in and it’s up to us to make sure our needs are met, that there’s equilibrium. Just like Molly, maybe it’s time for you to shift that attention onto yourself.
Sometimes we use other people as our excuse as to why we aren’t getting the things we want. We put roadblocks in front of our happiness. We allow ourselves to be so consumed with other people’s problems, friends, that it prevents us from confronting what’s missing. It’s when you begin to see this that you may notice unfavourable things in your life and friendships. It’s okay, you can still put yourself first while being a good friend.
It’s also important to understand that the role you play in someone’s life isn’t the same role they play in your life. Believing otherwise leads to disappointment. Remember, people just kept doing what they have always done. Their expectations in a relationship are based on the foundation on which it was built. It’s possible to make changes but both parties have to feel the same way. Your friend may like the role they have designated you in. To be honest, may they don’t realize or they selfishly don’t care.
It’s time to talk about it. Just keep in mind the message might not be received well. Remember we are all in our feelings, therefore, it’s hard to not make it about us because in our minds it’s definitely them that’s the issue. You may also have to accept that just like that fuckboy you keep seeing, you might have to part ways with your once beloved friend before things become toxic. A break may be in order, or a permanent breakup. Sure, you can list all the reasons why you can’t be friends anymore but only do so if the friendship is worth saving.
Should You Mix Business and Friendship With Pleasure?
During this episode, Issa who is already on rocky terms with Molly asks her for a favour. Issa Dee (not Rae) sure does like a hookup, doesn’t she? A favour that involves the help of her new boyfriend. At this point Molly feels like Issa isn’t there for her, it’s a pretty much an onesided friendship where Molly has taken on the role – Issa’s saviour. She wants this relationship to work out and knows how messy Issa can be, she definitely only thinks about herself. In Issa’s defence and I know she would say this, “I have a lot going on“. Who can blame her though, since there is never a dull moment in Issa’s complicated world? Molly decides to put herself and the relationship first. Sorry, Issa, you will have to figure this one out alone.
This got me thinking, should you mix business with pleasure? Particularly business that has nothing to do with you and that could interrupt your pleasure? This is an odd situation to find yourself in. Being stuck in the middle of two people you care about. Where you know one may jeopardize your happiness without a care in the world.
We definitely see Molly move outside of her comfort zone in this new relationship where she is forced to confront her insecurities and also her fear of intimacy; fear of getting hurt. It will be interesting to see how the evolution of Molly coincides with the evolution of Issa who is going through her own metamorphosis. Although we change throughout life sometimes the way we view people and what we expect from them doesn’t change. Shouldn’t our evolution signify a shift in how we see and relate to each other in friendships/relationships? Of course.
But it takes a lot of self-awareness and the ability to see things as they are with acceptance to allow growth to happen within our relationships and not just within ourselves. During this time your life or goals may not be in sync but if there is a genuine desire for your friend to have the same amount of fulfillment and happiness as you wish for yourself, this can lead to a beautiful long-lasting bond.
FYI: I love Kelli but just a few of her is more than enough. Imagine a million of her walking the streets, with Keli’s thoughts? We can’t all be Keli that’s reserved for the true free-spirited renaissance women.
IMAGES: Merie W. Wallace/Courtesy of HBO
