Many people wonder whether it’s possible to sustain passion in long-term, monogamous relationships. The honeymoon phase of the relationship feels wonderful; sex seems effortless, spontaneous, and hot. We also have so many neurochemicals surging through our brains that it’s like we’re high on cocaine! Unfortunately, the surge of these chemicals isn’t sustainable in the long-run, and eventually, they fall back to normal levels. The rose-colored glasses come off, and little habits that you initially thought were cute suddenly seem annoying. Many couples are guilty of letting fear take hold when the honeymoon phase of the relationship wears off. That’s why it’s important to learn how to sustain intimacy in your relationship.
It’s not uncommon for sex to feel both easy and insanely intense in the beginning of a relationship, but it can start to feel lackluster when you’re also finding yourself paying bills together and negotiating who is going to run the kids to soccer practice.
However, new research in the field of sex therapy (my own included), shows that people who cultivate certain individual and relationship qualities enjoy sexual experiences that actually improve with time. In fact, these individuals describe sexual experiences that are far better than the sex they had in the early days of the relationship.
The following four elements are keys to maintaining intimacy for the long haul:
- Practice.
You’re not going to see the same level of flow and harmony in a pair of novice dancers as you would in a couple who has been dancing together for years. A newly assembled band is not going to have the necessary skill set to know when to step back and let one of its musicians rock out on a drum or saxophone solo in a way that captivates the audience before seamlessly coming back together to finish the song. The same concept applies to team sports. Teams that have been practicing together for a long period of time tend to win more championships.
Sex is no different. You’ll never learn all the little idiosyncrasies of your partner’s sexuality within the first few months of a relationship. Sex isn’t better when it’s rare. The more you practice and fine-tune your skills, the more effortless sex will feel. Furthermore—and this is part of what makes sex so exciting—what worked yesterday might be different from what works today. Think of how musicians evolve in their style and create different songs. Once you and your partner have an understanding of what each other typically enjoys, you can begin to create new and exciting harmonies together.
2. Prioritize.
Couples who prioritize sex don’t let the transition out of the honeymoon phase slow them down. As the initial intensity in the relationship wanes, intimacy and closeness begin to bloom. With patience and commitment to prioritizing sex, couples can discover an entirely different—much more erotic—kind of intensity within intimacy. Sex becomes less “automatically driven” by new-relationship neurochemicals and more about intentionally seeking an opportunity to be seen, felt, and loved.
3. Be Curious.
So many couples are guilty of going through life on autopilot, especially after having kids. It is essential, however, to maintain a sense of curiosity about yourself, your relationship, and the world around you. Travel to new places together, sign up for classes together, listen to a podcast about a subject you know nothing about. These kinds of things create a fresh feel in the relationship, which has a spillover effect into sex. Couples who maintain a sense of aliveness and openness to new experiences find that they can create a “sense” of novelty during sex without trying anything new sexually. On that note, however, a little sexual experimentation doesn’t hurt either. You don’t have to step too far outside of your comfort zone if you don’t want to. Little things like sex in a new place or implementing a new toy can do wonders to enhance both emotional and physical intimacy.
4. Enhance the Senses
As important as it is to maintain a sense of aliveness, it’s also important to know when to slow down, or, quite literally, stop and smell the roses. We are so bombarded with information fed to us through technology that we’ve become eerily disconnected from our bodies. Embodiment, it turns out, is an essential ingredient for good quality sex. My research found that the more in touch people were with the five senses in a non-sexual context, the higher their sexual satisfaction with romantic partners.
In other words, people who actually feel the warmth of the sun on their face when out for a walk or who rely on taste rather than a cookbook for adjusting the spices in their recipe tend to enjoy sex more. Mindfulness techniques have helped some, but we need to take it a step further. Carving out periods of time away from technology where you can immerse yourself in a sensual experience will make it easier to feel embodied and able to surrender to the throws of pleasure.
For more information about how to create connection and cultivate passion in your relationship, check out my popular online workshop.
GUEST POST: Emily Jamea, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC is a sex and relationship therapist, researcher, and author. In addition to running her Houston-based private therapy practice, REVIVE therapy & healing, she offers online workshops, conducts academic research on optimal sexual experiences, and serves as an expert speaker for both public and private events.
Her expert opinion has been featured by CNN, USA Today, NBC, CBS, Men’s Fitness, Women’s Health, SELF, and more. She lives in Houston with her husband and their two children.
