I feel like this post is a long time coming. So many of you have asked me this question since I currently don’t offer any personal services in this domain at the moment. Will this change? To be determined! For now, I want to help you find the right life coach. I feel like I am doing a disservice to you by allowing you to fall victim to the “life coach salesperson”. There are a lot of them. One could say, now more than ever. Further, life coaches seem to be popping up at a rapid speed on the internet. You will notice during challenging times or what I call peak seasons.
WHO AM I?
Before we get started, for those who don’t know or are new to the website. I want to share with you a little bit about my background in the mental health, self-care and self-help space. Just so you know where I started and what led me here. I have an Honours Bachelor of Arts in Sociology, Buddhist Psychology, Mental Health and Illness, and Religion from the University of Toronto. At age 12 while browsing through the library stacks, I discovered Buddhism, a way of life that has helped me find acceptance within myself so I can embrace my empathic nature.
I have always been what is now referred to as an HSP – a highly sensitive person. I am also an empath. What the hell is an empath? Do you know what it’s like to walk in a room and absorb energy? Do you know what it’s like to feel what someone is feeling without them saying a word? Are you scared? Lonely? Depressed? Happy? What’s plaguing your heart and mind? An empath can feel all of this; I can feel it.
I use to view my ability to feel the energy of other people as a flaw. With this ability, I have been able to tap into my intuition and parts of my being that allow me to impart truths that people seek. For a long time, I believed that my ability to help people as a result of this so-called gift was a burden. I struggled to shut it off. There are many times I could foresee outcomes and learned later, by choosing to ignore it, that this is my truth. Life has taught me to treasure this gift; I don’t think there is another way for me. Who wants to be the person that feels everything and everyone dumps their problems on?! I didn’t. In my adult life, I now see the magic of this gift and my ability to help people with the wisdom that lives within. Sometimes I wonder, “Where does this come from? These thoughts?” I often feel like I exist in the here and now and some unknown place all at the same time.
I am well aware that I have to protect my energy as a result of this. It’s easier said than done at times because we are spiritual beings living a human experience. We are here to experience life and interact and connect with other people. It’s taken me a long time to learn how to filter out and deflect low vibration energy, an energy that doesn’t serve me and operates at a low frequency.
One thing I can feel and spot from a mile away is low-frequency energy. Spotting it is one thing, the power lies in your ability to keep it at a distance. You too can learn to cultivate this innate ability in all of us. For some people, it’s easier than others but is possible for most people. I say most because there is always an exception, right?! This leads me to the question, how do you find the right life coach? If the energetic frequencies don’t call to you or it’s hard for you to tap into them and get clear direction. Our rational self loves to convince us otherwise at times, trust me I have been there. I will start with green lights: this is a safe place to work towards internal growth and expansion. Lastly, red lights: this is not a place to safely grow.
Here are a few things to look for:
GREEN LIGHTS
- Who? Who is the life coach? This is a very important question. I know it’s hard when you are feeling helpless and anxious. A seemingly right person seems to come your way when you are looking for a quick fix. It’s funny how this happens, isn’t it?! Just know that there are no quick fixes. Take a deep breath. It’s time for you to do a deep dive into who, the life coach in question is. This is just as important and doing research on a medical doctor. When you are concerned about your health do you trust the first opinion or do you get a second opinion? Does your family doctor consult their colleagues if they’re unsure? They do. Working on the spirit, with the help of spirit guides, life coaches or spiritual mentors is an important endeavour. Do your research. It’s okay to ask, why them? In addition, if they’re not the right fit for you they will let you know.
- Why? What are you looking for? What needs to be healed in your life? Does this require an expert? This is an important question because if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, complex mental health concerns or perhaps you have thoughts of suicide. You need to seek the help of an expert and not someone who has no skill set or expertise in this domain. A good life coach will tell you this. They will not work beyond the scope of their expertise. Further, it’s disappointing when I hear about life pseudo coaches who tell people who are struggling with deep-seated mental health concerns that require a specialist, to simply meditate, read a few books and pick up a journal. All three techniques are great but in some cases, more than this is needed. What do you need?
- They don’t belong to an organization that requires them to actively recruit members. Yes, that’s right! Is your life coach affiliated with an organization that operates off of a tier system? Are they actively recruiting people to join their self-help movement? What’s their motivation? Life coaches who work within the scope of their own expertise and continued training will not force you to join an organization they’re apart of. Look for a life coach with peer reviews and authentic testimonials. This is why you need to do your research. There are a lot of great coaches, just beware of the overnight weekend workshop life coach.
- The proof is in their work! When someone is the real deal everyone knows about it. When someone is the real deal it isn’t hard to find information on them. Their method is celebrated because it works and they know what they are doing. They have the toolbox and they can share the tools to help you. Tools that suit your individual needs and journey. Everyone has their own journey and the self-care prescription designated for you is just for you. A life coach who cares and knows what they’re doing doesn’t operate off of a one-size-fits-all mentality. A life coach who is committed to this type of work, helping people help themselves, doesn’t feel the need to coax people to drink what they’re selling. They’re not selling anything, they’re here to be of service to you in the best way that they can.
RED LIGHTS
- There are so many red lights but I will focus on the obvious ones. Hopefully, the who, as in who is the life coach will be your first red flag but unfortunately the persuasive life coach salesperson is good at what they do. Seriously, it’s true, life coaching is a business. This is fine but there are those who are more concerned with turning profits than they are with your wellness journey.
- Don’t go to a friend who attended a weekend workshop. I don’t recommend this. It takes more than a weekend or a few workshops to get your life coach stripes. Further, it takes years of self-work and study before a life coach can truly be effective and help other people. It’s a red flag if the life coach in question went to a quick workshop, quit their job, left their old life behind (common story of the life coach salesperson), and now think they’re an expert.
- Do they simply list off a bunch of self-help books to you? A life coach with no tools of their own isn’t worthwhile and shouldn’t be trusted – BIG RED FLAG. Self-help books are great. I read a lot of them and there are a lot of great books written by great people who are inspiring. These books are there to support your journey, give you insight and some great tools and methods. Some of these books are written by experts, some of these books are written by people who have lived a life that is full of life lessons that can help other people. If the questionable life coach is listing great books by individuals in this field, you should look into which one of these experts has workshops or recommendations of experts who offer programs. In other words, perhaps that book list is where you should start. This will lead you to a life coach or mental health expert who knows more than what good books to read.
- Do they start their workshop with common identity recognition tools? An example of this is a question that starts with “who here doesn’t like cloudy days?” Of course, most people will raise their hand and say “me”. There is nothing wrong with finding commonality. It’s a great ice-breaker and allows people to find likeness so they don’t feel alone. You will notice that as the questions progress they will move to deeper issues. To be honest, a lot of great life coaches will use this technique but so will the life coach salesperson. They don’t care about your story or why you feel the way you do. They simply want you to feel connected to them. Their goal is to use your vulnerability to create attachment and codependency. The idea that I am like you and I can help you. Most life coaches will touch on the surface of this, perhaps to show you that no one lives a perfect life so don’t feel alone in your personal struggle. But what they will do, is draw the focus back to you. Because this is about you and not them. The red light coaches will go as far as they can go, to unearth the darkest stuff in you, saying that they too feel the same way. One could liken this to a form of abuse, grooming which is a tactic used by abusers to create codependency. It’s is true that likeness attracts likeness, and it is true that we attach ourselves to familiarity. Whether it be good or destructive we easily move towards what we already know and what feels safe. What feels safe? Someone who is just like you, someone who has struggled just like you. It’s the same approach a predator takes when working towards gaining control of a victim.
- Just meditate! I know first-hand the benefits of mediation and I am fortunate to have learned the following mediation traditions: Vipassana Mediation (Theravada Buddhism), Zazen Meditation (Zen Buddhist tradition) and Dzogchen meditation (Tibetan Buddhism) while studying at the Univerity of Toronto. With that said, I am not an expert and I would still recommend you to what I think is the best of the best on where to start or if you want to deepen your practice and knowledge on meditation. Here is a podcast I did on meditation: IT’S OKAY TO BE STILL, STILLNESS IS LOVE
- Reviews. Are they peer-reviewed? Do other excerpts and life coaches recommend them? Individuals outside of the organization they may be affiliated to? Some life coaches are members of organizations. I see this as a green light and a red light depending on the organization they’re affiliated with. Are they members or are they indoctrinated into a certain way of thinking? Do other people find the organization they’re affiliated with questionable? Are they questionable? If there is any doubt in your mind trust that.
- Gaslighting. You have probably heard this term used in regard to romantic relationships. Gaslighting can take place in all kinds of relationships. Yes, red flag the life coach who turns your questions into an issue with you. A life coach should never feel threatened by your questions, in fact, they should be open to dialogue. It’s a red flag if a life coach deflects.
