Dating Advice For Men From The Modern Man: Playing it Nice

So we often hear nice guys finish last, which I don’t think is true to be honest. Being a kind and genuine guy is always a good thing and there are a lot of good men like this who do quite fine in life. I will also say that whether it’s a friend or love interest nobody wants to keep company for long periods of time with an overall nasty person. If you won’t tolerate crap behaviour from your friends, then don’t accept it from a mate either. With that said, there is a such a thing as being too nice…letting people walk all over you. Over accommodating others often at your expense. I think you know what I mean by this. We have all been there at some point in our dating lives where “playing it nice” left us feeling burned by someone we cared about. It’s all a learning process, so it’s necessary to go through these experiences.

If you have been following our Four Part Q & A with dating coach, Dan Bacon, you have gotten some insight into his views on confidence and cultivating attraction. I asked Dan what he thought about this whole concept of the “nice guy” versus “the bad boy”.  Does it hold any truth in modern dating times? Do nice guys really finish last when it comes to dating? In my opinion there’s no such thing as a ‘nice guy’. No one is perfect.

TTIWIK: I find most women want to end up with a ‘nice guy’ after they have gone through the I date jerks phase. Do you think there is a fine balance?

DAN: The fine balance is what women refer to as a “real man,” which is essentially a good guy who is confident and masculine as a jerk or bad boy would be.

I don’t think that women want to have a boyfriend or husband who is a bad person, but they can’t help feeling attracted to some of the traits that jerks or bad boys display, such as confidence and masculinity.

However, real men are hard to find, so a woman will often end up sleeping with guys who make her feel a lot of attraction and then having to settle for a nice guy later on because he is a more stable option for marriage and family than a jerk or bad boy is.

She might not ever feel as attracted to her nice guy as she did for jerks or the few real men that she encountered in her dating life, but when her biological clock starts ticking, a woman will often feel the need to find a safer, more reliable option for the long run.

Part of my mission at The Modern Man is to help create more real men in this world. I do that by helping men to understand what it means to be a man and how they can deepen a woman’s feelings of love, respect and attraction in a relationship.

A big part of being a real man is being an emotionally strong man that a woman can look up to and respect, but also a man who respects her as sees her as an equal.

 

TTIWIK: You say, thinking that being nice isn’t good enough? Why isn’t this enough? Majority of guys are good guys. You also have said being nice doesn’t mark you out as being special…one must trigger feelings. In addition, there’s nothing wrong with being nice but men need to actively attract women. How do guys go about this? What are the basic principles?

DAN: When meeting a woman for the first time, being nice to her isn’t the thing that triggers intense feelings of sexual attraction. Women know that guys can easily put on the act of being nice to hopefully get some action, but that doesn’t guarantee he will then be nice after sex or a year into the relationship.

What marks a guy out as special is when he is confident, charismatic, when he can get her laughing and feeling good in his presence and he can build up the sexual tension between them.

If he also happens to be a good guy, a lot of women will feel as though they’ve hit the dating jackpot. However, if he’s just nice and polite, there’s nothing really special or exciting about that.

When in a relationship, being a good guy to a woman is just one of the elements that maintain a healthy relationship. However, it isn’t what keeps the sexual spark alive. To keep the spark alive, a guy needs to actively keep the flirting alive between himself and the woman and be the sort of man that she can look up to and respect.

What I’ve found is that when a woman loses respect for her man (e.g. he lies to her, he cries and breaks down when life gets challenging, he is nervous around confident guys, etc), she will then begin to lose touch with her feelings of attraction for him.

At that point, it usually won’t matter how nice he is to her because she will have lost respect and attraction for him. If that type of feeling continues for long enough, she may eventually fall out of love with him.

Of course, there are always exceptions to every rule. There are some women out there who don’t care about anything else other than a guy being nice, some women who like guys who cry and some women who like guys who lie.

However, for the most part, I’ve found that the type of guy that women really want is a good guy (i.e. honest, reliable, loving) who is also confident and masculine enough to make her feel safe and protected and to lead the way to a better life for the both of them.

In my opinion, when a woman meets a guy like that, she knows that she’s found herself a catch worth keeping.

 

What do you think? I know there’s a lot of debate on this topic. For both men and women confidence is important. I also don’t think it’s one-sided. I am sure there are a lot of women who could apply some of these concepts. At the end of the day, a confident man or woman stand out in a crowd. People pay attention to the person who’s comfortable in their own skin; this is attractive. Furthermore, nobody wants to end-up with a mean person, but you do want to end up with someone who respects themselves as well. So one could say, ‘being kind’ that should come easy. While, ‘playing it nice’, putting on an act that really isn’t the real you to get what you want isn’t authentic. In the end it can’t sustain itself if it’s not genuine or just simply who you are. If you want a lasting real connection you have to present this in the beginning. If you are still playing games, then you aren’t ready for an adult relationship.

To wrap up our Q & A, next week we will let you in on a few extra tips from Dan. Until then, follow Dan on The Modern Man.

 

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