If you are following our 4 Part Q & A with Dan Bacon, you have read Part One: Confidence Is Everything. You have to start from where you are before you can get out there and meet someone. You have to work on you and fix what you can and learn to live with what can’t be changed. Being confident doesn’t mean you can’t be vulnerable. Letting someone in, and allowing them to get to know the real you is important. You have to be confident about what you bring to the table but you can’t be closed off either. It probably seems kind of strange but it’s true; confident men aren’t afraid to be open or vulnerable because they know what they have to offer is great. If you are struggling with self-acceptance, I would suggest you work on this first. You have to love you first, before you can love anyone else.
So you are feeling pretty good about you? So what’s next? Where do you go from here? Well, believe it or not there’s a bit of an art when it comes to attraction. You’ve got one part down, confidence. Now Dan and I discuss how you can build on the skill of attraction. Attracting others may be easier for some than it is for others. If you are the latter, learning how to cultivate attraction is a skill you must acquire. Luckily, Dan is here to give you more tips!
TTIWIK: Is attracting women an actual skill? It seems this is more of an issue nowadays than it was generations ago? Kind of goes back to courting maybe?
DAN: I consider it to be a skill because if you look up “skill” in the dictionary, it is defined as being able to do something well or having expertise in a particular area.
If a guy is able to be confident around a woman, get her laughing and flirt with her to create a sexual spark between them, then he is much more skilled at attracting women than a guy who can’t do any of those things.
In the past, men didn’t have to worry so much about being skilled at attracting women because women were almost always completely dependent on men. Women weren’t able to sleep with a guy and give the relationship a “test drive” for months or years to see if it was worth committing to for life. Instead, women often had to select a man based on how nice he was and how capable he seemed of being able to protect her and provide for her.
In today’s world, many women initially select a man based on how much sexual attraction he makes her feel. If she feels sexually attracted to him, a woman will then be interested to see if he’s also a good guy and whether or not he might have the capacity to protect and support her.
So, if a modern man approaches women and expects to be liked for being a really nice guy and be desired because he can provide for her, most women will feel as though he doesn’t understand modern culture and expects women to behave like they did 50 or 100 years ago.
TTIWIK: What’s are a few of the personality traits and behaviours a man should demonstrate to illicit attraction?
DAN: Some of the traits and behaviors include confidence, charisma, masculinity, charm and the ability to make her laugh.
For example: A man’s confidence can be displayed during a conversation with a woman based on how he talks, his tone of voice, his body language, his behavior and how he responds when she challenges him or tests him throughout the interaction.
Most women are more attracted to a guy who is confident because her instincts tell her that he would most-likely be able to keep her safe and lead the way to a better life, even if life got challenging. Confidence might also mean that he would be better at sex and more able to turn her on and get her in the mood.
On the other hand, if a guy is nervous or self-doubting around a woman, it doesn’t give her the feeling that she would be safe with him in this world and that he would have the confidence to push forward even when life gets challenging.
If a guy is nervous, it can suggest to a woman that he would be awkward and hesitant in the bedroom, which would lead to a stifled and uncomfortable feeling during sex.
Nervousness can also suggest to a woman that a guy doesn’t feel as though he is good enough for her and as a result, he probably isn’t able to attract other women.
If she gets into a relationship with a nervous, self-doubting guy, he’d probably end up becoming insecure, controlling, jealous and clingy when the relationship lost the initial spark and she began to lose interest. He would then probably be a nightmare to break up with and would cling onto her like glue because he knows that he is too nervous to attract other quality women like her, so he will have a hard time finding himself a new girlfriend.
Attraction is a very complex thing, but there are very simple ways that a man can trigger those feelings in a woman.
If a man is able to feel genuinely confident around a woman and let his natural charisma shine through, he is going to be much more attractive to her than a nervous guy who is putting on a fake social persona (e.g. acting like a really nice guy) in the hope that he can impress her.
TTIWIK: You talk to men about making women feel the way they want, what do you mean by this? Do you think this is deceiving if it’s not coming from a good place? Or are you teaching men to become more in touch with how it feels rather than what’s going on in their head?
DAN: Yes, it’s definitely coming from a good place.
What I mean is that men need to focus on allowing a woman to have the attraction experience that she is looking for, rather than expecting her to be interested in a sexual relationship simply because he is a nice guy.
A guy will often focus on trying to get a woman to like him by being really nice, polite, generous and courteous, but those are not the traits that turn a woman on.
That’s not to say that a guy shouldn’t be nice, polite, generous or courteous to a woman, but instead, it’s simply stating the fact that a modern sexual courtship needs to start with feelings of sexual attraction.
If a man refuses to trigger a woman’s feelings of sexual attraction and instead just wants to be liked for being a nice guy, he will almost always get rejected. Women may like him as a person and really want to feel a spark with him because he’s such a good guy, but if he can’t create that spark, then he will either be seen as just a friend or rejected when he tries to make a move.
When a man starts out by triggering a woman’s feelings of sexual attraction for him (i.e. by being confident, charismatic, flirting with her, etc), she will then be much more appreciative of the fact that he is also a good guy.
However, without the feeling of sexual attraction, he will often just be seen as another nice guy or placed into the dreaded friend zone.
So you’ve worked on confidence and cultivating attraction, things are looking pretty good. But wait a second, according to Dan one shouldn’t confuse the skill of attracting a mate with simply being a nice guy. It also doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk either. There’s a fine balance and you can find out more next week in Part Three: Playing It Nice.
Until then, keep up to date with Dan on The Modern Man. Or follow him on twitter for daily dating advice.
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